Back of the Closet 002 - The Day I Let TikTok Judge Me

Fashion dreams, body fears, and one very bad decision in a comment section.

I was scrolling through TikTok today, as one does, and came across a live stream where a young, fashionable creator was rating people’s Instagram profiles.

Stupidly, I dropped my username in the chat.

Now, I’m a pretty confident person - at least most of the time. I usually know my worth and feel good about my style, my aesthetic, my vibe. But today… wasn’t one of those days. So, typing out “camshortcake” was a horrible decision. It also went against everything I stand for. (Clearly, I was not in the best headspace.)

When my Instagram page appeared on screen, I felt myself melt into vulnerability. I was embarrassed before they even said a word. And it’s not that the creator said anything harmful - at least not that I heard - but as my page was discussed, I felt naked. A picture of me got some unserious criticism, but my inner insecurities convinced me that every pause, every smirk, every tone shift was a jab at my ego.

After a few “insta-critiques” and what felt like them carefully dancing around the elephant in the room (my body), my heart started racing a million miles a minute. I exited the live after just two photos. Who knows what happened after that? Honestly, I don’t think I want to.

Since then, I’ve wanted to crawl into a hole and hide from the world. I’m only a few months away from moving to New York City, and before this, I hadn’t felt the anxiety I’m feeling now - the anxiety that comes with being fat, gay, and trying to make it in fashion. One of the most competitive - and often, one of the most judgmental spaces.

Are those statements fair? I’m not sure. Ask me in six months. Until then, I’m scared. And I hate to say it. I’ve never been scared like this before.

But believe me - I’m telling myself what you’re probably all thinking: get over it. You’re moving to New York City. You want to work in fashion? You need thick skin. And I know that’s true. I know I’ll get there one day.

But today, sitting on my couch, watching that live stream… was not that day.